So, This Is What I'm Going Through

I know I shouldn't complain, I have a good life, I'm in fine health, I'm richer than 90 or 95 per cent of the world... And on top of that, I HAVE been through some SERIOUSLY terrible things in life, so I know what suffering is and therefore know that I shouldn't whine about things that aren't really so bad, but I can't help it, in the middle of all the awesome things in my life, I just feel so stressed!

So, here's the deal... I have a billion things to do. Mostly fun and positive things. But billions and millions of them. This makes my mind go chaotic and I pretend I'm a little child with absolutely nothing to do and just sit around and play computer games and watch cartoons, yup, I don't have ANYTHING to do, nothing at all... Just trying to relax my mind a little.

Lately I've been strangely sick... Really tired and stressed out... And for a few weeks now, I've gotten dizzy and nauseated and had stomach aches and head aches. These symptoms have been disappearing quickly the last two days or so, probably because I've made sure to take my iron. You see, I suspect that the symptoms I was having were due to anemia caused by iron deficiency, though I haven't been properly diagnosed with anything, but taking iron seemed to work, anyway.

I'm a bit ashamed to say, though, that I in a way liked the dizziness. It wasn't really a very uncomfortable form of dizziness, like when I got an overdose of a medicine two years ago, no, this dizziness I've had recently was more like... My mind went very cloudy and unfocused and I felt as if though gravity had changed, like I just had to lay down... It really made me relax, even though it was, of course, mildly uncomfortable.

So, about all those things I have to do... Let me make a list!

1. Get an apartment and move together with my boyfriend. Problem is, the ones that are good enough, I can't afford. The ones that aren't good enough, I still can't afford. I guess me and my boyfriend will have to take the time to look at apartments together and buy something that we both choose and both pay for. Of course it will probably take longer, since he lives quite far away from me right now, but it would definitely work out better.

2. Work on my photography. I just love taking photos. First, I take the photos, then I go through them and edit them and decide which ones to keep. Then I put them in a folder and mark it with month and year and number all the photos. Then, I zip the folder, sometimes I have to do several zips and then I upload it to 4shared. Then I upload pics to Flickr, sort them and tag them. Then I upload them to FaceBook, sort them and tag them. Then I upload them to Picasa, sort them, tag them, tag people in the photos and write descriptions. At the same time and basically all the time, I'm taking new photos.

3. I should really go through those poems I've made and save them somewhere and put the right date on them all, while I still remember the date - Or know where it's written down. Problem is, even though I like to keep my art in order, I really don't like going through poems I wrote for previous loves. I prefer to focus on the love I have now, don't want to think of the old ones.

4. I should keep on practicing karate. Honestly, I love karate. It feels like someone hits you over the head with a bag of raw onions and then make you eat them. But also, it's great. Feeling yourself getting into shape, getting stronger, learning how to fight and how to defend yourself... It's just that I'm so damn tired! I haven't practiced karate in some months, first, I was so tired before the vacation, then there was the summer vacation and now that vacation is over and karate has started again... Well, I'm still tired!

5. Work on my modeling. I only do amateur modeling, I prefer it like that. I don't wanna be pushed around, have nasty make-up put on my face, which might be from brands I do not approve, put in clothes I might not like and then not even have any rights to the photos! I just like being photographed.

6. Look pretty. Wear pretty things. For the modeling thing, it's quite necessary to look perfect, as flaws show lots in photos. Also, I always feel so miserable when I have to walk around being just another plain woman. I want to be fabulous! I know I'm not, but I can at least try to keep my appearence alright. This means shower, shave all sortsa parts of my body, brush my teeth, wash my hair, put on pretty clothes, make-up and jewelry, make sure I don't have any spots on my face and that my eyebrows don't get too big and that I don't have any gross little details that you might not think of so much in real life, but that can look terrible in photos - Could be things like that your makeup is slightly uneven or that you have something under your nails.

5. Get a job. Wait, wasn't this all about how I'm too tired to work? I don't even know. I thought one of my big goals was to get an education so I can properly be a kindergarten teacher. It is. Yes. And to go to my work practice which I have stayed home from lately due to being nauseated and dizzy. Yes, I love going there. And I'd love to get an education and get a real job. Also, I would love to just relax and not have to think of stressful things like work or study. Even if it's fun work or fun study. It's still stressful. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but obviously I have to both work and relax my mind from things like work. Yes, these are both very important things, that don't seem to go together very well, unless you work out some really good balance somehow.

6. I wanna do lots of charity and activism! Problem is... Well, I've given lots of money to charity and still do, but it's kinda making me poor... And even though I'd love to work with non-profit activism, I am really much too tired and unfocused. I don't even know how to start, getting in touch with an organisation and everything... I can barely even make pancakes for myself! People remind me of all my talents and skills, but I can't do a simple thing like cook or pay my own bills. I am torn between my own exhaustion and the fact that there are people in this world in serious trouble and that it is not our right to live in luxury, while there are some people starving. I guess I've just become too tired to sacrifice a lot for others. I mean, if I stopped bying pretty dresses and fancy expensive food, surely I could afford giving more to charity. I know that after the horrible things I've gone through in life, I really should be more humble, but at the same time, going through horrible things makes you a bit greedy. Sure, if you know what it is like to be abused by your doctor like I was or heartbroken like I've been, then you know that little things like clothes and things don't really matter so much, but at the same time, when you've been through Hell and you're finally through it, when things are finally alright, abuse is over, heart is healed, no more panic attacks, no more depression... Then you just wanna finally relax after all this time, do the things you could never do when you were scared, the things you never bothered doing when you were unhappy... And don't you, in a way deserve it? Don't I, in a way deserve to have my pretty clothes and my peace and quiet once in a while, after all those years of panic attacks and loneliness before I found my medication and my soulmate? But it is not right to claim you own anything. Not really. That's just a thing people made up. And nothing a person made up can be the ultimate truth. The Earth belongs to everyone and therefore, people have no right living in big houses and eating expensive food while others live on the street or as slaves. But how can we fix all this and at the same time live a life with any kind of quality or joy in it? I mean, surely there would be joy in helping, but if you just spend your life doing things for others, then there would be no opportunity to just do things you love. I mean, say everyone just spends their time buying hockey games for others, no one would actually have the time to play hockey games. Now I'm no fan of hockey games, but maybe you get what I'm talking about at least a little...

7. I would like to have more pets. This is more of a dream than a goal. I am so tired that I even humbly ask my parents to help me care for my snake. And snakes are quite easy to care for. If I had the money, room, time and energy (emphasis on the energy) I would have lots of pets! I would have a pony and some more cats than the two ones I have now... Actually, I met a woman with a very special and strange kitten and she wondered if I wanted to buy it... But I probably won't be able to, too bad because I got quite attached to it! And I am yet to experience the honor of being a spider owner and of being a scorpion owner. Actually, I haven't even had a dog yet!
So many animals, so little time.

8. Spend lots of time with my little cousins Olga and Majken and also Hedvig, who isn't really my cousin, but she's close to the family and feels almost like a cousin to me.

9. I would like to travel lots. I love to travel in Sweden, it never gets old and I would also love to see Ghana and China.

10. I am considered quite a know-it-all and a living encyclopedia. And still, people act judgmental when they learn I didn't even finish high school. That is so offensive, I am intelligent and I have read lots of things, I am not less intelligent because I was too tired and had too many panic attacks to finish high school! Either way, I want to keep on reading and learning lots of things and I want to study and get a proper education, if only I wasn't so tired and unfocused.

11. I want to keep on blogging, though preferably I would have a good blog, which I suppose this is not.

12. I really should, I want to practice my paganism and witchcraft more. Oh, didn't I mention that? Well, I barely do it. I love herbal remedies, auras, spells and rituals, but I'm just... Oh, here it is again, I'm just too disorganized so to speak and too tired to really ever bother... I mean, I do these things sometimes but... Usually there's like six months or two years or whatever in between the times I actually do anything that could be considered paganism... Yeah, that isn't much of a witch, but can you blame me with all this on my mind?

13. Keep in touch with all my friends, which is kinda hard since lots of my friends live far away and don't even log online that often.

14. Try to be active on my internet accounts, well, not too active, I do have like 150 (not kidding) of them. Just make sure that the pictures and presentations and remotely up to date, answer messages, update blogs and that.

15. Well, about two years ago, I started writing down lots of the things that my doctor did to me and pointing out lots of the wrong information she wrote in my medical records, but the project kinda got so big and I got really tired of it, but I really should finish it up before it's too late to sue her.

16. Spend time with my pets and take well care of them. Also, I would like to keep in touch with the cats we've sold. I never wanted to sell them, but I didn't have a say in it, I was a child. Feels like someone took my babies.

17. I would like to do lots of activism for animal rights. Yes, I know I already covered activism, but I seriously wanna give animals the rights they deserve, I started working on this thing, about animal rights, ehm, it's hard to explain, it's a thing I'm writing, I started on it quite a while ago and it's quite exhausting work.

18. I would like to keep on buying beautiful dresses and collecting My Little Ponies. Also, I would like to throw stuff out that I don't need or want.

19. I would like to keep on singing. But I really would like to actually sing well. I suppose that will never happen.

20. Make more flash games. Because it's fun, that's why!

21. I want to learn more skills or take up old skills that I haven't used in a while. Crafting and making things is so cool, but who has the time?

22. I would like to own some nice traditional clothing. Like from different ages and from different countries.

23. I would like to keep on buying awesome things like make-up and shampoos from these cool vegan brands I found. I made a blog entry about them earlier, there are lots of brands that are actually completely vegan and do not test on animals. It's so fun to order from them online!

24. I would like to keep on writing. I have several stories and non-story projects going on, but I just don't know when to work on them, as there are so many things I have to do and it just sets my mind blank.

25. As I mentioned about looking pretty and practicing karate... Well, I have to in general
just keep up my health and hygiene, which is pretty exhausting for me sometimes, 'cause I can go hours without thinking about eating something and I can go days without thinking about taking a shower!

26. Take care of all animals, children, handicapable and homeless people in my life. Of course the ones I have responsibility for, but also ones I do not. If everyone just says "This is not my responsibility", then there will be lots of helpless people and animals that no one takes responsibility for, even though everybody is everybody's responsibility - We have to see everything as our own responsibility to get anything done, we can't just assume someone else is doing something for that specific human or that specific animal! But also, as I said... It's very exhausting to try to do everything for everyone.

27. Try to keep my room clean. And in order. And my clothes well sorted. And go through all those boxes in the basement. And go through my jewelry. Find a place to put all my My Little Ponies. Make all the payments (make my dad make the payments, I mean) for all those cute clothes and My Little Ponies I buy on eBay.

28. Keep my harddrive clean and orderly. Backup my files. Make sure I don't have a virus. If I have a virus, which I seem to have had for the past month or so, get rid of the virus. Get rid of virus by reformatting Windows after backing up like a billion files. Do the same on my mom's computer.

29. Keep on working on my contortion. The thing is, I am more flexible than most and would love to work some more on my flexibility. I just don't know when. It seems I am usually either busy with something or busy sitting and doing nothing while I'm pretending I don't have anything to do.

30. Try to become more independent.

31. Try to actually get some sleep at night and properly get up in the morning, instead of just sitting at the computer at night and staying half asleep in bed until 13:00 or 14:00.

32. Keep on practicing Swedish Sign Language. Maybe take an official course.

33. As I said, make sure skin is perfect. Skin is important. Well, it's important for more reasons than just your looks, but right now I was referring to the fact that real life bad skin looks super-bad in photos.

34. Was that all? Probably not, but it's enough to drive me crazy!