My Goals And Stuff

Hiya... I made a blog entry ages ago, listing up my goals and dreams and what the shit not... I thought it needed be updated, so here ya go, version 2010!

1. Most of all I need to find something deep and meaningful that makes all this shit worthwhile.

2. I want to help all my loved ones find happiness and realize their dreams. I am nothing without the people I love.

3. I want to be with SRC, because he's the only person who really understands my mind and shares my interests. Oh who am I kidding? I ruin every relationship.

4. I want to meditate. I need to do it more often and learn to do it properly. I can never seem to relax.

5. I want to practice the occult with SRC. I don't really feel motivated practicing by myself and not comfortable practicing with strangers, but SRC I trust.

6. I need to take care of my health. I easily just forget about that and then my health gets worse. Obviously.

7. I would like to harvest herbs and plants more often. When I was younger I would sometimes, but time just seems to slip away.

8. I would like to learn more about healing. I really like healing, but I believe that this skill will be better used if you study it some.

9. Have fun. My life may not always be meaningful or efficient, but then at least I can do some fun things to pass time.

10. Meet my best friend JSC. She's one of the most loving and loyal people I know and it would be so awesome to get to spend some real life time with her.

11. Help animals get better rights. There are so many animals that need help and all animals need to have stronger rights.

12. Spend more time in nature. I've always loved nature, I just don't have a lot of energy to go out.

13. Get rid of my tics. I have lots of tics of different kinds and they're quite disabling sometimes.

14. I would like to study and practice the occult more. I've always been interested in it, but never really felt motivated.

15. I would like to learn more about tarot. Tarot is quite fascinating, but as everything else in my life, I've just never had the motivation or energy.

16. I would like to get in better shape, so I can be more athletic. I feel so weak and frail right now.

17. Learn to be more independent. I'm actually quite good at taking care of myself, I just don't have the energy, focus and motivation... As with everything in my life.

18. Keep on taking care of my pets. I love them so much and I love to pamper them and make sure they are perfectly happy.

19. Spend lots of time with the children in my life. My cousins OLMKH and MRIKH, as well as a girl named HH. I love them so much.

20. Try to get more energy somehow. I found out that my lack of energy comes from a vitamin D deficiency, so I guess that's the main thing to beat.

21. Eat healthy. I usually have a very healthy diet, but sometimes I loosen it just a little.

22. Try to take care of my bad back. I don't always have the energy to stretch, but I really should.

23. Travel. Sure, why not? Yeah, I don't like to leave the house much, but when I do, I quite like it, I love to photograph different places.

24. Keep in touch with all my friends and loved ones. It happens sometimes that I don't speak to some for quite a while.

25. Try to be more environmentally friendly. I'm already vegan + super healthy, (as in I don't use animal products and I need healthy food) but the environment is important too, not just animals and health!

26. Learn more about herbs and collect them. I've always liked herbs and I believe in their healing powers.

27. Take up karate again. It's quite exhausting, but it's fun and it makes you so much stronger.

28. Keep on practicing contortion. I have always been very flexible, but I don't always keep stretching.

29. I'd like to learn some more wrestling moves. We learned some in karate earlier and I quite do like wrestling.

30. I'd like to make more things from scratch. For examnple, grow my own vegetables, pick them and cook them. I used to be really into that sort of thing.

31. I would like to learn first aid/different kinds of therapies/massage/medical care for animals.

32. I would like to as well learn first aid/therapies and that sort of thing for taking care of children.

33. Try to get enough sunlight. I do take vitamin D in liquid form, but sunlight is a pretty good vitamin source too.

34. I'd like to buy or adopt more pets. At the moment we have our hands full with the cats and snake, but no one knows what the future holds. (It could hold more animals)

35. I want to clean my room. Might not seem like much of a "goal", but my room will always be getting messy and I will always want to keep it... Not so messy. Hence the clean my room goal.

36. I'd like to learn some of those methods for learning autistic children to communicate. I've always been told I'd be great with that.

37. I'd like to do more charity and activism. I'm actually really into that sorta thing, I just... As always... I just don't have the energy.

38. I should try to get enough sleep and at the right time of day. I tend to mess up my rhytm.

39. I should really practice the art of not wasting money. I'm crazy about clothes and jewelry but I really have to learn to shop in moderation!

40. Get my own place! Exclamation point! I've wanted my own apartment for ages, they're just so damn expensive!

41. Spend lots of time on my photography! Another exclamation point! Everyone knows the Signe likes to photograph.

42. Also, model. No, I don't wanna be airbrushed and in a magazine. I like to model for myself or people I know, in different kinds of photos, expressing myself or portraying a theme.

43. I'd like to dance again. As a child I took classes in Hip Hop-Funk, Classic Ballet, Jazz-Show Dance and Show Dance. Also we got to learn some classic ballroom dances and folk dances in gym class.

44. I wanna keep feeding wild birds! I feel really connected to wild birdies somehow and well they don't seem to mind eating out of my hands!

45. I wanna always look perfect! I really like looking my best and wearing my best clothes, I just kinda let it go sometimes, because I'm too depressed or tired to bother.

46. I want to keep making various kinds of art. Of course I've already mentioned photography, but I like other methods as well.

47. I'd like to get a proper education. There was a lot of changing schools and being mentally ill when I was a teen, so I never finished high school, but I'm not dumb.

48. I'd like to get a good job in childcare. Or maybe work with the mentally handicapped. Or with animals. (Or mentally handicapped animal children?)

49. I would like to keep on writing. I write poems sometimes as well as short stories. I also like just writing stuff... Like this list!

50. I would like to learn more self-defense. In general. I know quite much karate and some wrestling already.

51. I would like to learn another language. I'm fluent in Swedish and English and I keep partially studying other languages now and then.

52. I would like to grow my own food. I do sometimes. Like vegetables, fruit, potatoes, spices and that sorta thing. And our Summer garden is always full of fruit and berries!

53. I would like to sew clothes. I have only sewn clothes for school when I was younger, but it would be nice to do it again.

54. I should read more about animal care. I love caring for my animals, but it is always good to read some more about how to take care of your animals as well as possible!

55. I want to somehow make sure everyone knows what "Doctor" Anette Johansson did to me. She's going down.

56. Always keep on buying pretty things! You always need more things! OK, I'll shop in MODERATION.

57. Always keep my room and surroundings nicely decorated. I know, I covered cleaning my room, but the furniture and art is important too!

58. Play around some with science, as well as of course, reading about it. I do have a microscope and some other fun things.

59. Keep on drawing. I know I covered photography, modeling and general art, but I think drawing deserves a mention!

60. Keep on designing clothes. Maybe I'll sew some of them. Either way I like drawing clothes.

61. Keep on singing and practice singing better. I'm basically a compulsive singer and somehow the more I sing (!) the better I get!

62. Throw out stuff I don't need. Yeah, it's important to get new nice things, but it's also important to get rid of all the old shit you don't need.

63. Manage my internet accounts. OK, that's not an "important" thing, but then, I do sort a lot of things by uploading them online or listing them on my websites, so yeah, it's pretty handy. (Hard to explain)

64. I wanna learn braille. Becaaause. I don't know. Blind people use it. And. Well. It's cool to learn stuff. (Hope I never go blind)

65. Learn to play an instrument. I played a bit of piano (or actually organ and keyboard, never really an actual piano) when I was younger. And I can play a mouth harp OK. (As in slightly)

66. Try to keep my things in order. I covered that already? No I covered CLEANING my room and having it nicely DECORATED. Difference.

67. Try to manage all them lists and projects and stuff that I work on at the puterator. Such as this list/project.

68. Learn to shoot a handgun. That's on my list for some reason. Yeah, I guess it's the whole "I can defend myself" thing that I like.

69. Keep on reading about and studying interesting and fascinating things! I sure do love... Various interesting subjects. Yup.

70. Keep learning Swedish Sign Language. Why is that down here when braille is way up there? Probably because I added braille to the list much later, when I wanted to study both braille and sign language more than I did earlier. Or something. Lists aren't always perfect. I can redo the list later maybe, but it's more or less right as it is right now. (I listed up the things before I wrote these details and that. It took me some months because I'm slow or something.)

About Last Night

So, it was last night last night... Well... Obviously. And this last night... I couldn't find my acrylic paints. Seriously. COULDN'T FIND THEM Y'ALL. So anyway. Anyway. What was I gonna do huh? How was I gonna spend the night? Sleeping? Well, I slept all day before so I couldn't do that. Well, I didn't sleep ALL day, first I took care of some things that I had to do - Move that big pile of clothes on my bed into bags and put them out in the hall so my parents could put them in the basement. So, my bed was free for the first time in like a week and so I slept for many hours during the day. Anyway. Last night. Yes, my brain really is this chaotic and jumpy. Well, it's worse than this but yeah. Anyway. ANYWAY. Anyway. I really wanted to paint something. I have some acrylic paints and I used them only a few days ago. And then I have some MORE acrylic paints, but it seems my parents have put them in the basement. So I looked for the paints in the kitchen. In the living room. In my room. In the bathroom. In my sister's room. And then I looked again in all these rooms. I really did leave the paints in the living room, but my parents must have moved them. Anyway. Not being able to find these paints that I used only a few days ago, I begin thinking of those paints that my parents put in the basement. So. I look for them in the basement. In the storage thingies in the basement. And in that cold corridor where all the basements of ours and our neighbours' are linked together. No acrylic paints anywhere. Oh well. I decided to photograph the acrylic paintings I made a few days ago. You can't really see the details and subtle color shifts/variations whatever so very well on photo. So, having photographed them the best I could, I decided I had to make some kinda art anyway. I really don't like water colors. I suck at drawing. I'm so sick of digital art. I wasn't in photography mood. Either way, I decided to actually draw. It went OK. After a while, I got so tired that I stopped drawing. I lay in my bed with my cat in my arms, but it took me some hours to fall asleep. Either way, having my cat in my arms is a pretty sweet deal.

I Just Feel Like Crying

I am in quite a pickle right now, one where I am hurting two very important people as well as myself. I'm gonna have to make a very tough choice and if I don't, then we'll all end up with nothing. Especially me. I'll be all alone. And I already am. Now, I know that these things are somewhat personal, but it's therapeutic for me to write things publicly and don't worry, I won't share any personal details.

I got

APS - The love of my life, my best friend, whom I've always counted on and trusted. We had a perfect relationship that we were sure no one could break through and we were both sure we would be spending our lives together. We were so happy. Not only were we in love, we were the closest friends and we knew that when life gets hard, we'd always have each other.

and

SRC - An old friend who suddenly came back into my life, who has everything in common with me, the same weird, isolated mind that I thought only I had, the same thoughts I have and the same unusual interests and passions. We just reconnected and connected more than ever. It's like our minds are the same.

So: Now I have no boyfriend. I broke up with APS because I wouldn't want to be a dishonest girlfriend by being with him at the same time as I had feelings for someone else. And I can't belong to SRC because I'm still in love with APS. If I do decide that APS is the only one for me after all, I would have to crawl in the dirt and beg for him to take me back after the pain I've caused and if he would take me back he would probably forbid me to ever speak to my beautiful SRC ever again. If I decide to be with SRC, then I would forever have to lose the perfect love I had with APS and the safety and comfort he gave me as my best friend and soulmate, which was my entire life.

So, This Is What I'm Going Through

I know I shouldn't complain, I have a good life, I'm in fine health, I'm richer than 90 or 95 per cent of the world... And on top of that, I HAVE been through some SERIOUSLY terrible things in life, so I know what suffering is and therefore know that I shouldn't whine about things that aren't really so bad, but I can't help it, in the middle of all the awesome things in my life, I just feel so stressed!

So, here's the deal... I have a billion things to do. Mostly fun and positive things. But billions and millions of them. This makes my mind go chaotic and I pretend I'm a little child with absolutely nothing to do and just sit around and play computer games and watch cartoons, yup, I don't have ANYTHING to do, nothing at all... Just trying to relax my mind a little.

Lately I've been strangely sick... Really tired and stressed out... And for a few weeks now, I've gotten dizzy and nauseated and had stomach aches and head aches. These symptoms have been disappearing quickly the last two days or so, probably because I've made sure to take my iron. You see, I suspect that the symptoms I was having were due to anemia caused by iron deficiency, though I haven't been properly diagnosed with anything, but taking iron seemed to work, anyway.

I'm a bit ashamed to say, though, that I in a way liked the dizziness. It wasn't really a very uncomfortable form of dizziness, like when I got an overdose of a medicine two years ago, no, this dizziness I've had recently was more like... My mind went very cloudy and unfocused and I felt as if though gravity had changed, like I just had to lay down... It really made me relax, even though it was, of course, mildly uncomfortable.

So, about all those things I have to do... Let me make a list!

1. Get an apartment and move together with my boyfriend. Problem is, the ones that are good enough, I can't afford. The ones that aren't good enough, I still can't afford. I guess me and my boyfriend will have to take the time to look at apartments together and buy something that we both choose and both pay for. Of course it will probably take longer, since he lives quite far away from me right now, but it would definitely work out better.

2. Work on my photography. I just love taking photos. First, I take the photos, then I go through them and edit them and decide which ones to keep. Then I put them in a folder and mark it with month and year and number all the photos. Then, I zip the folder, sometimes I have to do several zips and then I upload it to 4shared. Then I upload pics to Flickr, sort them and tag them. Then I upload them to FaceBook, sort them and tag them. Then I upload them to Picasa, sort them, tag them, tag people in the photos and write descriptions. At the same time and basically all the time, I'm taking new photos.

3. I should really go through those poems I've made and save them somewhere and put the right date on them all, while I still remember the date - Or know where it's written down. Problem is, even though I like to keep my art in order, I really don't like going through poems I wrote for previous loves. I prefer to focus on the love I have now, don't want to think of the old ones.

4. I should keep on practicing karate. Honestly, I love karate. It feels like someone hits you over the head with a bag of raw onions and then make you eat them. But also, it's great. Feeling yourself getting into shape, getting stronger, learning how to fight and how to defend yourself... It's just that I'm so damn tired! I haven't practiced karate in some months, first, I was so tired before the vacation, then there was the summer vacation and now that vacation is over and karate has started again... Well, I'm still tired!

5. Work on my modeling. I only do amateur modeling, I prefer it like that. I don't wanna be pushed around, have nasty make-up put on my face, which might be from brands I do not approve, put in clothes I might not like and then not even have any rights to the photos! I just like being photographed.

6. Look pretty. Wear pretty things. For the modeling thing, it's quite necessary to look perfect, as flaws show lots in photos. Also, I always feel so miserable when I have to walk around being just another plain woman. I want to be fabulous! I know I'm not, but I can at least try to keep my appearence alright. This means shower, shave all sortsa parts of my body, brush my teeth, wash my hair, put on pretty clothes, make-up and jewelry, make sure I don't have any spots on my face and that my eyebrows don't get too big and that I don't have any gross little details that you might not think of so much in real life, but that can look terrible in photos - Could be things like that your makeup is slightly uneven or that you have something under your nails.

5. Get a job. Wait, wasn't this all about how I'm too tired to work? I don't even know. I thought one of my big goals was to get an education so I can properly be a kindergarten teacher. It is. Yes. And to go to my work practice which I have stayed home from lately due to being nauseated and dizzy. Yes, I love going there. And I'd love to get an education and get a real job. Also, I would love to just relax and not have to think of stressful things like work or study. Even if it's fun work or fun study. It's still stressful. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but obviously I have to both work and relax my mind from things like work. Yes, these are both very important things, that don't seem to go together very well, unless you work out some really good balance somehow.

6. I wanna do lots of charity and activism! Problem is... Well, I've given lots of money to charity and still do, but it's kinda making me poor... And even though I'd love to work with non-profit activism, I am really much too tired and unfocused. I don't even know how to start, getting in touch with an organisation and everything... I can barely even make pancakes for myself! People remind me of all my talents and skills, but I can't do a simple thing like cook or pay my own bills. I am torn between my own exhaustion and the fact that there are people in this world in serious trouble and that it is not our right to live in luxury, while there are some people starving. I guess I've just become too tired to sacrifice a lot for others. I mean, if I stopped bying pretty dresses and fancy expensive food, surely I could afford giving more to charity. I know that after the horrible things I've gone through in life, I really should be more humble, but at the same time, going through horrible things makes you a bit greedy. Sure, if you know what it is like to be abused by your doctor like I was or heartbroken like I've been, then you know that little things like clothes and things don't really matter so much, but at the same time, when you've been through Hell and you're finally through it, when things are finally alright, abuse is over, heart is healed, no more panic attacks, no more depression... Then you just wanna finally relax after all this time, do the things you could never do when you were scared, the things you never bothered doing when you were unhappy... And don't you, in a way deserve it? Don't I, in a way deserve to have my pretty clothes and my peace and quiet once in a while, after all those years of panic attacks and loneliness before I found my medication and my soulmate? But it is not right to claim you own anything. Not really. That's just a thing people made up. And nothing a person made up can be the ultimate truth. The Earth belongs to everyone and therefore, people have no right living in big houses and eating expensive food while others live on the street or as slaves. But how can we fix all this and at the same time live a life with any kind of quality or joy in it? I mean, surely there would be joy in helping, but if you just spend your life doing things for others, then there would be no opportunity to just do things you love. I mean, say everyone just spends their time buying hockey games for others, no one would actually have the time to play hockey games. Now I'm no fan of hockey games, but maybe you get what I'm talking about at least a little...

7. I would like to have more pets. This is more of a dream than a goal. I am so tired that I even humbly ask my parents to help me care for my snake. And snakes are quite easy to care for. If I had the money, room, time and energy (emphasis on the energy) I would have lots of pets! I would have a pony and some more cats than the two ones I have now... Actually, I met a woman with a very special and strange kitten and she wondered if I wanted to buy it... But I probably won't be able to, too bad because I got quite attached to it! And I am yet to experience the honor of being a spider owner and of being a scorpion owner. Actually, I haven't even had a dog yet!
So many animals, so little time.

8. Spend lots of time with my little cousins Olga and Majken and also Hedvig, who isn't really my cousin, but she's close to the family and feels almost like a cousin to me.

9. I would like to travel lots. I love to travel in Sweden, it never gets old and I would also love to see Ghana and China.

10. I am considered quite a know-it-all and a living encyclopedia. And still, people act judgmental when they learn I didn't even finish high school. That is so offensive, I am intelligent and I have read lots of things, I am not less intelligent because I was too tired and had too many panic attacks to finish high school! Either way, I want to keep on reading and learning lots of things and I want to study and get a proper education, if only I wasn't so tired and unfocused.

11. I want to keep on blogging, though preferably I would have a good blog, which I suppose this is not.

12. I really should, I want to practice my paganism and witchcraft more. Oh, didn't I mention that? Well, I barely do it. I love herbal remedies, auras, spells and rituals, but I'm just... Oh, here it is again, I'm just too disorganized so to speak and too tired to really ever bother... I mean, I do these things sometimes but... Usually there's like six months or two years or whatever in between the times I actually do anything that could be considered paganism... Yeah, that isn't much of a witch, but can you blame me with all this on my mind?

13. Keep in touch with all my friends, which is kinda hard since lots of my friends live far away and don't even log online that often.

14. Try to be active on my internet accounts, well, not too active, I do have like 150 (not kidding) of them. Just make sure that the pictures and presentations and remotely up to date, answer messages, update blogs and that.

15. Well, about two years ago, I started writing down lots of the things that my doctor did to me and pointing out lots of the wrong information she wrote in my medical records, but the project kinda got so big and I got really tired of it, but I really should finish it up before it's too late to sue her.

16. Spend time with my pets and take well care of them. Also, I would like to keep in touch with the cats we've sold. I never wanted to sell them, but I didn't have a say in it, I was a child. Feels like someone took my babies.

17. I would like to do lots of activism for animal rights. Yes, I know I already covered activism, but I seriously wanna give animals the rights they deserve, I started working on this thing, about animal rights, ehm, it's hard to explain, it's a thing I'm writing, I started on it quite a while ago and it's quite exhausting work.

18. I would like to keep on buying beautiful dresses and collecting My Little Ponies. Also, I would like to throw stuff out that I don't need or want.

19. I would like to keep on singing. But I really would like to actually sing well. I suppose that will never happen.

20. Make more flash games. Because it's fun, that's why!

21. I want to learn more skills or take up old skills that I haven't used in a while. Crafting and making things is so cool, but who has the time?

22. I would like to own some nice traditional clothing. Like from different ages and from different countries.

23. I would like to keep on buying awesome things like make-up and shampoos from these cool vegan brands I found. I made a blog entry about them earlier, there are lots of brands that are actually completely vegan and do not test on animals. It's so fun to order from them online!

24. I would like to keep on writing. I have several stories and non-story projects going on, but I just don't know when to work on them, as there are so many things I have to do and it just sets my mind blank.

25. As I mentioned about looking pretty and practicing karate... Well, I have to in general
just keep up my health and hygiene, which is pretty exhausting for me sometimes, 'cause I can go hours without thinking about eating something and I can go days without thinking about taking a shower!

26. Take care of all animals, children, handicapable and homeless people in my life. Of course the ones I have responsibility for, but also ones I do not. If everyone just says "This is not my responsibility", then there will be lots of helpless people and animals that no one takes responsibility for, even though everybody is everybody's responsibility - We have to see everything as our own responsibility to get anything done, we can't just assume someone else is doing something for that specific human or that specific animal! But also, as I said... It's very exhausting to try to do everything for everyone.

27. Try to keep my room clean. And in order. And my clothes well sorted. And go through all those boxes in the basement. And go through my jewelry. Find a place to put all my My Little Ponies. Make all the payments (make my dad make the payments, I mean) for all those cute clothes and My Little Ponies I buy on eBay.

28. Keep my harddrive clean and orderly. Backup my files. Make sure I don't have a virus. If I have a virus, which I seem to have had for the past month or so, get rid of the virus. Get rid of virus by reformatting Windows after backing up like a billion files. Do the same on my mom's computer.

29. Keep on working on my contortion. The thing is, I am more flexible than most and would love to work some more on my flexibility. I just don't know when. It seems I am usually either busy with something or busy sitting and doing nothing while I'm pretending I don't have anything to do.

30. Try to become more independent.

31. Try to actually get some sleep at night and properly get up in the morning, instead of just sitting at the computer at night and staying half asleep in bed until 13:00 or 14:00.

32. Keep on practicing Swedish Sign Language. Maybe take an official course.

33. As I said, make sure skin is perfect. Skin is important. Well, it's important for more reasons than just your looks, but right now I was referring to the fact that real life bad skin looks super-bad in photos.

34. Was that all? Probably not, but it's enough to drive me crazy!

Signe Robertson's Random Piece Of Advice Number Three

If you truly love somebody, stick with them no matter what and I mean no matter what! If his parents hate you, if your parents hate him, if he becomes paralyzed waist down or has to amputate both legs. If you truly love somebody you would be there for them no matter what.

Damn I'm So Tired

My life sure is boring

You Silly Girl

I'm falling in love with you, stop being so afraid, you can't scare away love, but you can love away fear <3

New Poems By Me

2008-12-29

A STRANGER'S CHILD

It makes me sick

The way you act

As if you were right

And I were wrong

Yet I only live my life

You're just here to harm me

I could throw up

Because of you

Because of this ugliness I see

I cannot eat

The sweetest fruit

Will someday rot

Rot just like you

Like a pile of rotting corpses

That were once living children

Children just like yours

You would kill the child of a stranger

But you wouldn't harm your own

When they know what you have done

They just might kill themselves

To get away from you

Because being raised by a monster

Can cause a lot of harm

If you cannot protect

A stranger's child

Would you protect your children

From you?

----

2008-01-02

ALL FOR YOUR LOVE

Don't lie once again

I know what you've done

But I forgive you

As I always do

I'm desperate

For your love

I'll break the law

I'll lose my mind

I'll be your slave

All for your love

----

BEYOND SALVATION

I'm a goddess

I'm a devil

I am honest

I am free

I'll be your master

And your slave

I'll give you pleasure

Bordering on pain

You're gonna miss me

If you choose another girl

See I'm just a fool in love

Now all I have

Is this knife against my skin

And I'm beyond salvation

----

MURDER WAS YOUR ONLY WAY OUT

You shouldn't cry

You made your choice

Murder was your only way out

You would have cried

Twice as much

If he still was around to rape you

To All You Arrogant Idiots Out There

Who tell me things like that animals are inferior to humans or that gay marriages are inferior to straight marriages. Stop fucking being so doggone smug! And stop insulting me! I'm not the one who's wrong here! All people and animals are equally worth and deserve to live a life in peace. If you say that makes me stupid or hypocritical in any way, then that just shows what a worthless shit person you are.

Stop fucking accusing me of trying to get attention when I'm just defending the very basic truth of the world: Any living creature has the right to live a life in peace. Now, nobody could possibly say there is anything wrong about that. And no, meat isn't good for the health. Just remember, if you offend anyone else's rights, you lose your own rights.

Want to be respected? Respect others. Want to live in peace? Let others live in peace. And fucking stop bothering me because I'm not into the nasty businesses such as animal cruelty and homophobia, you're the bad people here and never fucking forget that. If people keep on harassing me I will report to the police.

Places I'm Not Welcome

When I was a young teen, I was a member at Helvetet.com, a Swedish community for goth people. Lots of people there are quite immoral, as if they think goth community means community for people who like to randomly insult others. Once, I wrote on the chat board something like "I'm just so fucking sick of all the people that are just mean and shallow and sex-obsessed and don't care at all about things that truly matter in life". The next time I logged on it said my account didn't exist.

I tried creating a new account, but it said "It seems someone has used this computer to log onto a banned account. We don't want such a member back."

I went to school through the computer. I didn't want to meet any other students and all the schools were so messy. Didn't think you could be bullied from the internet. But I was. I was bullied so so much. You see, since we were home-schooled we had a school forum instead to write on. Anyway, people picked on me lots there and I just defended myself and told them to stop. In one of the forums there were some kids who said really mean things to me, so I called them intelligence deficient. So I got suspended a while from that forum. Anyway, after a while people just kept on attacking me and attacking me and writing nasty things to me over and over all over the forums, I couldn't even discuss music or philosophy or anything, because people just attacked me.

So I just kept telling them to stop and I kept writing the teachers and the vice principal and whatnot and telling them to do something about the insults against me on the forum. So I got suspended a month for "spamming". Because I told them to stop insulting me on all the forums. Apparently, you are just allowed to say the same thing in one forum once, even if people insult you over and over in all the forums. Anyway, even though I wasn't able to defend myself on the forums anymore, people kept on writing mean things about me there and sending mean emails to me, so I told the people who worked at the school and they said "Stop harassing us or we will suspend you longer". For fuck sake. You're not allowed to defend yourself?

Anyway, when I was a member at MyOpera, I would sometimes check HitsLink for fun, to see how people found my blog. I saw that someone had found me through clicking a link on HootyOwl. I didn't know what HootyOwl was. I wanted to see where the link was, but I had to become a member. So, I joined it just to see the link. Then I noticed it was pretty nice there, all calm ladies, mostly older ones, interested in graphics and cooking and stuff and everyone was nice and calling everyone sweetie and that and I was really happy to have found a forum where everyone is just nice all the time and they all welcomed me very adorably. Then, there was someone who mentioned my photo, she said I looked very serious in it and said "but that is just a young age thing" Young age thing? Because I'm younger everything I do is a young age thing? How fucking offensive.

Anyway, I understood that she didn't mean it as an insult. So, well, she had written a long message and I answered it with a long message and I just quickly mentioned in it "Don't call anything about me again a 'young age thing', I'm not a very youthful person and I will be offended if you say things I do are just because of my age, I understand that you didn't mean it as an insult, but just show some respect for me as a mature grownup." Also, in one of the forums I just mentioned that I like clothes that are really intense so it's like, very strong and respect-demanding, because all people have to respect each other as the intelligent, responsible grownups they are and not just call people you don't know stupid or childish at random.

Anyway, people got really pissed at me there, because they said, you shouldn't respect people until they showed you they deserve respect. You don't respect new born babies, they said. What the fuck? You should treat everyone with respect. I respect a new born baby as a valuable person with rights. I respect strangers as responsible valuable grownups until they prove to be the opposite. So you should just treat people like shit until you decide to respect them? So I was banned from that place for "having an attitude and making people uncomfortable by telling them to show some respect". Fucktards. Yeah, I have totally lost respect for them.

Also, on MyOpera, there was this moderator, Espen, who started insulting me and stuff, so I told some people about that and they turned against me and started saying I probably started it, so I just told them they are crap people and should leave me alone, but they started harassing me more and more when I just told them to leave me alone and one of them even posted an offensive blog entry about me, just accusing me of things. So I told the police, but they didn't seem to care. It became a case, but the case was dropped quickly. So, I just kept on blogging and chatting with people and if someone harassed me I just deleted the comments or simply told them to leave me alone. Then I got really really harassed by someone on MyOpera.

It was an anonymous user and I went to the forum to ask if you could ban or block an IP address if people harass you anonymously. So, I went to check what the IP address of the person who kept on writing insults and accusations to me over and over on my blog was. Seriously, he sent the same message like 20 times and I was just deleting them. And he... Guessing it was a he, think I am pretty sure of who it was. Or maybe someone else, I have a few guy-suspects, no girl suspect. Anyway. He started adding the phrase "Who keeps deleting my comments?" to those comments. Duh, I deleted them, who else? And why? Because they are harassment and spam! So, I checked on the IP address. It was from inside the Opera Software House in Oslo.

So, I realized, it was a mod spamming me, probably Espen or maybe one of his friends - Which have also not been too nice to me. What do you say then? "Oh, yes, hey, remember I asked if you can block an IP address? Oh, here it is, it happens to be the IP address of the mods, so you'd ban yourself!" No. No way the mods would ban themselves. I was just stunned. Harassing your own members anonymously? Yeah, he used to insult me, but anonymously??? So, I confronted the spammer, when he wrote his disgusting comments accusing me of things. "How pathetic to actually harass someone from inside of the Opera Software House itself. A mod harassing people, that's just low. This is you:" Posted his IP address and all that kinda information.

Got banned for "giving out a mod". Ha ha! Fucktards!

So, the newest thing is really weird! I have been... HAD been a member of MySpace since ehm... Oh, must have been 2006 some time. Anyway, me was innocent little good girl as always, actively participating in forum discussions, finding a lot of different people there, reporting spam and abuse once in a while, I didn't ever spam or get into a fight or anything. Then, all of a sudden, after I'd been a member for nearly two years, I just got banned suddenly out of the blue and got a message in the mail saying I got banned because of "one of these reasons" and a long list of things that I "had done at least one thing of"... Those things I had not done anything of. Now, apparently, they've reported my IP address to some spam blacklist -WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK???!!!- Which is like really sick since I'd never spam or do anything like that.

I Really Am Worthless

I dedicate my life to the people that I love, I just want them to be happy, I just want to be close to them. The few people that I really really love, they are so special to me and I'll never find any other people that are anywhere close to the same. I don't even think they are grateful, I don't think they care about me at all and why would they? I mean, they don't love me like I love them, they don't need me like I need them, nobody needs a friend like me.