I Have The Loveliest Friends

Today I went out to look for my friend Cleo. He's outdoors most of the time and always affectionate. I don't know the people who own him, I've never even seen them, but I know him and I know where he lives. First I looked around where I usually find him, but he wasn't there. Then I looked into his garden and there he lay resting. I called for him a little, "Cleo, come here, kitty!" and after a while he ran up to the fence and climbed up and I lifted him out.

We sometimes sat on a rock together and sometimes on the ground. Sometimes I carried him around in my arms and sometimes I just sat and looked at him, while he rolled around in the grass. He is a big, white cat with beautiful soft fur and a little pink nose. He is mostly nice, but sometimes he starts biting me, but he's easy to fend off, it's as simple as to put him down on the ground or walk two steps away from him and he gets that you're not in the mood for cat wrestling. Then he's cuddly and affectionate again.

Suddenly, I saw a beautiful, smiling face in a window. My little friend was waving at me and I waved back. I told her I was just out playing with the white cat and she suggested we play tomorrow. I said maybe, if we're both outdoors and not busy. It was her bedtime and I said maybe she should go to bed. She asked if I wasn't going home, but I said I might stay out and play with the cat a while.

She's only four but she asks the wisest questions. "Why are you playing?", "I like playing with this cat." "Why are you playing with the cat?", "He's a nice cat." I said goodnight to my friend and we waved again. I lifted up the cat and I made him wave a little too. He's a pretty calm cat, so he doesn't really mind if you make him wave a little.

I Just Feel Like Crying

I am in quite a pickle right now, one where I am hurting two very important people as well as myself. I'm gonna have to make a very tough choice and if I don't, then we'll all end up with nothing. Especially me. I'll be all alone. And I already am. Now, I know that these things are somewhat personal, but it's therapeutic for me to write things publicly and don't worry, I won't share any personal details.

I got

APS - The love of my life, my best friend, whom I've always counted on and trusted. We had a perfect relationship that we were sure no one could break through and we were both sure we would be spending our lives together. We were so happy. Not only were we in love, we were the closest friends and we knew that when life gets hard, we'd always have each other.

and

SRC - An old friend who suddenly came back into my life, who has everything in common with me, the same weird, isolated mind that I thought only I had, the same thoughts I have and the same unusual interests and passions. We just reconnected and connected more than ever. It's like our minds are the same.

So: Now I have no boyfriend. I broke up with APS because I wouldn't want to be a dishonest girlfriend by being with him at the same time as I had feelings for someone else. And I can't belong to SRC because I'm still in love with APS. If I do decide that APS is the only one for me after all, I would have to crawl in the dirt and beg for him to take me back after the pain I've caused and if he would take me back he would probably forbid me to ever speak to my beautiful SRC ever again. If I decide to be with SRC, then I would forever have to lose the perfect love I had with APS and the safety and comfort he gave me as my best friend and soulmate, which was my entire life.

Love

I have been through so much shit and so has my friends. I am so sick of all the abuse, hypocrisy, shallowness and crap there is in the world. I just want to live my life to shower my loved ones with love and praise, like life is supposed to be. Just safe happy fun nice. Not saying you have to be a little wuss.

Anyway, just to give out some love, here are the most awesome people in the world!

FRIENDS

The sweet Christy

The beautiful Freya

The awesome Katie

The lovely Louis

The adorable Lyna

The cute Sébastyén

The super-cool Stuart

The sweet Vladimir

AMINULS

My cats: Gloria, Tifa and Yuffie

My turtles: Ayo and Feo

My snake: Arne

COUSINS

Little Olga, almost three and little Majken, who isn't even three months!

I Really Am Worthless

I dedicate my life to the people that I love, I just want them to be happy, I just want to be close to them. The few people that I really really love, they are so special to me and I'll never find any other people that are anywhere close to the same. I don't even think they are grateful, I don't think they care about me at all and why would they? I mean, they don't love me like I love them, they don't need me like I need them, nobody needs a friend like me.

Sorry If I Embarrass You Now

By mentioning your names, but I just gotta say, Freya and Louis, so many times you've told me you are feeling unhappy or don't like yourselves... ...It makes me feel so sad, you are the most beautiful people in the world and I love you both so much!

Beloved Things

Of course, what is most important to me is my little cousins, my cats, snake and my friends, but I also have some objects that I value very much. Not because I am vain, but because these things are special to me, they are things that I wouldn't want to lose. So, here is the list of some of my very favorite objects!

1. I have a list of all the internet communities I am a member at and what my member names are. That list is very important, because I'd be so fucking confused and angry if I would have to try and count and think and remember everything and write it all down again.

2. All the stories and important things I have written on paper or printed out to save forever.I try to avoid storing things on my harddrive too much, in case it crashes or gets a virus or something. The important things I print. Besides, storing too much can make your puter slow.

3. The doll that my grandma made for me. It is made in fabric and is supposed to look like me as a child. I really liked my grandmother and I like this doll she made for me. So pretty it is! I love it. My grandmother was nice. Her name was Elsie. I don't like my grandfather though.

4. My brilliantine pendant. It is in white gold with a brilliantine diamond on it. Of course, I do not wear it much these days, it is so tiny and also I am kinda more into gold and garnets, but I have always liked it very much and I love diamonds, because they are such a pure material.

5. I love stuffed animals. My favorite is a stuffed tarantula named Hjördis. She looks like a Mexican Redknee tarantula or in other words: A smithi. She is quite realistic, although a bit bigger than tarantulas usually are in reality. I bought it during my last time in the clinic.

6. Another stuffed animal. Anka-banka. A very cute stuffed duck I got when I was very very young. Perhaps when I was born... ...Possibly when I was baptised. I don't remember what I was told. Anyway. Anka is Swedish for Duck and Banka rhymes with Anka.

7. Yet another stuffed animal. Fizzio. Fizzio is a tiny stuffed panda I got from a second hand shop long ago. It is an unusually beautiful toy and I have always liked it very much. It looks so old-fashioned and well-made. Fizzio doesn't mean anything that I know, just something I made up.

8. Another stuffed animal. Rivig. Rivig is a big huge stuffed kitty that is really cute and adorable. I wanted it for so long when I was little and then finally I got it one day and I was so happy. It sleeps in my bed next to me every night. It looks very cute and happy.

9. My akua'ba. An akua'ba is a symbolic object that is meant to be treated as your own child. It is very cute and it is easy to get affection for it and even if you are not so into the cutesie stuff, you could still tell it is a nice piece of art. It is in wood and painted black.

10. My Guatemalan mask. It is tiny and red and looks like some kind of animal. It is very beautiful. When I saw it I could tell it very much suits my personality. It is handpainted in a beautiful pattern and it has big white fangs. It looks like some kind of either feline or canine predator, but might be something else.

11. Stuffed animal: Fante. A cute stuffed elephant. It is in a glossy fabric with nice colors. It is from India and it was sold in a store in Sweden when I was a child and I got much affection for it. It is so lovely, it looks hand sewn, I just hope it isn't like child labour or something, I think that store are pretty picky not to buy child labour things, but maybe they don't always know.

12. Stuffed animal: Pig. I don't know if I really have a name for this one, anyway, it is a cute little handmade pig doll in an old fashioned style. I always loved it very much as a child and I guess I sorta have an even deeper love for it now, it is just so beautiful.

13. Black gloss top with the zipper all the way down. From Phaze Clothing. I just love it and it is so so ME, it is pure simple intense, just black gloss with a zipper, it is so very much my style and well it is difficult to find clothes that are just perfect for my style.

14. My black gloss pants from Phaze Clothing.

15. Black under-bust corset from Dark Star. It is lovely and it has nice buckles on it and I think it goes well to pretty much anything. It is difficult to find nice underbust corsets, especially when you are as thin as I am. Lots of corsets are so big or plain ugly.

16. My black gown from Lip Service. It looks sort of 18th century-ish. I love it very much, my mother bought it for my nineteenth birthday and I have worn it several times, I don't need any special doggone occasions, if I think the dress is pretty, I will wear the dress!

17. My black sleeveless gown. It is in a lace-like material and my mother says it looks like a gothic wedding gown. It is very lovely and I like it very much. I love black clothes and it is difficult to find nice dresses. It is difficult to find nice clothes at all.

18. My black gloss skirt that is covered in black flowery lace. It is from Phaze Clothing and it is so absolutely lovely. Ooh I love clothes, I really do!

19. Red gloss skirt.

20. Black lace skirt.

21. Black gloss skirt.

22. My black skirt that is tight on the top part and assymetric and not tight on the bottom part.

23. Black and gold Venetian eye mask.

24. Gold and garnet necklace - It really belongs to my mother, but she doesn't wear it.

25. My dagger earrings.

26. African neck collar.

27. My buddhist rosaries.

28. My lovely African earrings.

29. My red lace choker.

30. My really big necklace.

31. My black and purple top.

32. My lovely underwear! I love panties, bras, socks... ...So pretty!

33. My silver spider/web ring.

34. My silver and onyx spider pendant.

35. All my pretty gem stones and crystals I have.

36. My very broken red Chinese jacket.

37. My spider/web T-shirt.

38. Plastic pigs. One summer when we were on vacation I saw these cute plastic piggies in a second hand store. It is really a one-piece object, not several separate piggies. It is one pig lying down and her babies sucking her nipples for milk. When I went home from the vacation, my mother and sister stayed a bit longer and when they came back my mother had bought the piggies for me! I didn't buy them, though I got very attached to them and by the time my mother got me them, I had almost forgotten about them, but I was happy I finally had them!

39. My huge conifer cones I found in Greece.

40. Black cat statue.

41. My leopard figurine. Once when me and my father - Recently - Where in a toy store, checking out toys for fun - I do have tiny cousins, maybe you can find good presents - We looked at the animal figurines and I asked my father which of the animals was ME and he picked the right one and then he bought it for me.

42. My Lenore figurine.

43. My tiny spider earrings in silver.

44. My less tiny spider earrings in silver.

45. My fibulae.

46. Red jaspis pendant.

47. Quartz pendant.

48. My red and black bag.

49. My big Indian earrings.

50. My less big Indian earrings.

51. All my tiaras.

52. My spider web cape.

53. My Edward Gorey books.

54. My Lenore book.

55. My fan with a handpainted flower on. I got it when I was a child, from the woman who painted it, I believe.

56. My Buddha.

57. My stuffed animal Mnemosyne - She's a rattle snake!

58. My stuffed spider Hedvig.

59. My stuffed bat Agnes.

60. My stuffed frog Signe.

61. My stuffed lion Arne.

62. Drawings I've made and ones I've gotten as gifts.

63. The photo and information about the child I sponsor. I guess if I lost it I could always call and try to figure it out by my personal ID or something, but it would be best to hold on to those things, I am quite fond of that girl.