10. When I was six years old, my father read to me from a book
It had those jump-rope rhymes in it. My father read an example. "And if you stop on S, you could for example say: Signe, Signe, do you love me?" I thought it was really cool that the book actually had my unusual name in it. I brought the book to school and I asked a teacher to read from it to me.
"And if you stop on E, you could for example say: Erik, Erik, do you love me?" But that's not really what it says, is it? What does it say over there? And over there? Is that it? Of course I got angry at my father for lying about such a little thing, it wasn't important, but I still felt betrayed that he wouldn't read from the book exactly what it said.
9. In my family, we have a trick
As we are a Swedish family, the children grow up in Sweden, learning Swedish. We all learn English sooner or later, though some easier than others. I am apparently considered extremely talented in English and got fluent very quickly, though I've barely met any English-speaking people.
It is internet, TV, music and thinking in English that makes me bilingual. Anyway, so when we are around children, my family speaks English, if there is something we don't want the children to hear. A pretty good trick, then we can sit and discuss the child's upcoming birthday or something gruesome on the news, while there are little children in the room and they won't know what we're saying.
Of course, my other family members aren't far as good as I am in English, but they can remotely speak it, so that's what we use when we don't want the kids to hear. This is also the trick my parents used when I was a little child. Unfortunately they used it a little too long.
When I was old enough to actually be better than my parents in English - Oh, I suppose when I was 14 I was fluent in English - My parents still used this trick. My mother was in the living room and I was sitting there too, she was on the phone, talking to someone about a miscarriage she thought she might have had. In English. While I was in the room. Without telling me about it. Like she assumes I can't hear what she's saying because she speaks English. Stupid.
8. All that period talk... Yuck
When I was like 12-13, my mother kept nagging on me about my period.
Mommy dearest: "Signe, you know, you could get your first period like anytime, maybe even tomorrow, you want menstrual pads or something? All girls will get their period. Then you will have to use menstrual pads."
Signe: "Whatever, leave me alone" *slams door*
7. When I was... 12-13 and anorexic
My panic disorder started getting pretty bad. Actually, that's what caused my anorexia in the first place. I didn't know what panic disorder was and therefore could not describe it. My parents thought there was something wrong with my blood or with my stomach. I had to go and take a blood test. My parents promised me "This is the only test, you won't have to do this again"
Some months later, I was gonna take a blood test again. I was so fucking pissed at my parents "You promised me", "Promised? We didn't promise anything" So, I had to go to the hospital. That was it. I refused. I called the nurse a "fucking whore" and didn't let her come near me. I didn't have to take another blood test for years.
6. My siblings have often done really cruel things to me
It was really hurtful and annoying. Somehow, my parents always managed to blame me for everything. That has made me feel really sad and pretty much killed my self-esteem. On top of that, my parents have been really mean to me even when it didn't involve my siblings.
"Don't waste your time checking your stupid e-mail, go wash your hair!"
"Get out of the shower, you're not supposed to take a fucking shower now, go clean your room!"
"You can't clean your room now, you have homework to do!"
"It's not time to do your homework now, go out and get some air for once!"
Nagging and nagging until I just couldn't even go to school anymore and had to drop out of high school.
5. Once, when I was... Maybe 17. I was feeling really exhausted
And sad. Also, my hair was a mess, as was my room and I am guessing I probably had lots and lots of homework to do. My mother refused to let my hair be messy like that, she begged me to let her cut it, but I refused to have my hair cut, because when I was thirteen my father gave me a bad haircut and since then, I refused to cut my hair until I was 18, when I changed my mind.
My mother was brushing my hair. My father was probably nagging at me lots that I hadn't done this, hadn't done that.
Mommy dearest: "Sit still Signe, I can't brush your fucking hair! You know, sometimes, I just wanna slap you!"
I was so fucking sick of my parents. I didn't want them cleaning my room, because I wanted privacy. So, then, they threw me out of my own room, saying they didn't care about my privacy, since I hadn't cleaned my room well. I ran away bare-feet in the snow and my father ran after me and dragged me back home.
4. All the times my dad has been angry at me
"Go to your room, fucking kid!" *throws me landing on my bed and slams door*
"That's it, you're a fucking embarrassment, I'm taking you home!" *drags me to car and drives me home*
"You wanna fucking live on the street? 'Cause I'm gonna throw you out if you use that tone with me again!"
"You are fucking sick! You're so fucking sick, Signe! You wanna live in a mental hospital or something? 'Cause you fucking should"
I didn't live in a psychiatric clinic until I was eighteen, quite a prophet eh, threatening to send me to a psych clinic my whole childhood.
On top of that, he has a sick sense of humor. When I was like ten he took a big kitchen knife and waved it in the air, pretending to stab me. I got really sad and hugged my mom who had to yell at my dad a bit for that.
3. My mother talking about sex
When I was like 13 and my sister only 11, my mother used to talk to us lots about sex.
"You know, if you have sex, you always have to make sure the boy uses a condom or you could get pregnant. But if you do get pregnant, we will help you raise the baby"
A few months ago:
"You know, in those clothes you are wearing, you look like you are giving out signals that it's OK for boys to jump you. I'm just saying... But if you wanna get jumped, that's just fine, it can be really fun, it's the best thing in the whole world!" *even though I was telling her to shut up and leave me alone*
I hated my mother so much after that.
2. Some families think it's good to not have locks on the doors
"Oh, little kids shouldn't be able to lock the bathroom door or the bedroom door, it can just be dangerous" So. No proper bathroom lock until I was like 16. I have never had a lock to my room. So, never being able to be alone anywhere got me really paranoid and depressed. It would happen that people accidentally opened the door - Or threatened to do so - While I was on the toilet or in the shower.
Also, not having any privacy got me really paranoid about my room. If I even heard someone walking up the stairs I would block the door and yell "Don't come in!!!", even if the person coming up the stairs was just gonna go to the bathroom.
I would simply sit in my room protecting it all day. I was so busy protecting my room I could barely even clean it. My parents insisted to clean my room, but I didn't want anyone to come into my room.
Once, when I was maybe 12 or 13, my parents said they really had to clean my room. I opened the door a tiny bit, just to let myself out and I stood by my door, saying "Please, don't come into my room, I can clean it myself, I promise, just don't come into my room"
They didn't seem to care.
Out of desperation I grabbed a belt and put it around my neck, saying, "I will do it if you go into my room"
My mother looked at me for a half second and smiled and then pulled my door open and went into my room.
1. When I was about four years old, I was a bit curious about sex
My mother just told me "It is not good." I looked at her and I was really worried, I felt anxious, wondered what was so bad about sex.
"Mommy, why is fucking bad? Is it dangerous? What could happen? Mommy? Mommy? Could you get sick? Can you die from it? Mom?"
My mother just looked out in the blank space and smiled, without a word.
