Happy Birthday Louis!

One of my awesomest friends ever, Louis, turns 28 today! Big boy! Happy birthday and I hope all your dreams come true!

For privacy reasons I won't post a photo of the gorgeous Louis here, but here is an illustration of what he looks like!

(In other words, he's awesome)

What I Want

I decided to write a list of what I really want and need in life, instead of a silly new year's resolution. Well, I'm finally done with the list, it was quite necessary to make such a list, since I am quite discouraged most of the time. I feel like I am not entitled to be happy or have a career or a relationship.

So, I figured instead of just lying around being depressed, I could at least write a list over what could possibly make me slightly less depressed and I'll try to remotely follow these things, though I suppose I might not be able to have all these things. The names are removed because I felt like this is so personal, I don't really want to give people out, it's not like I'm saying these are their dreams, they're my dreams!

The people I am close to would know exactly what people I am referring to anyways and besides, this list is really mostly for myself. It might look on some places in the list as if I am really confident or really afraid, but neither is actually true. The truth is really that I am usually quite confident and brave, even though I don't have a lot of self esteem, but sometimes I just get afraid of the strangest things!

*I hoped I had some kind of connection with [friend]. Thinking of him makes me feel like I have found something meaningful... For this to really be true is what I want most.

*I want to be close to [other friend]. He is my best friend and I would love to live with him and have him in my life always. He means a lot to me.

*I want to have children. I really, really do. I get so jealous when I see other people with children, especially women my age.

*I want to become better and better at photography. Get my photos out there. Not be scared of a little fame. Take the chances.

*I want to write more and more poems and get them out there. Show them off on the internet. Not be scared of a little fame.

*I want to practice karate regularly and keep on learning more and more. I really want to go far in this sport and philosophy.

*I want to be a model. For myself, but maybe even for others. Not be afraid of the fame and challenges. I'm a pretty girl and people want me as their model.

*I want to take all my opportunities at life, whether in art or socially. I don't want to fear fame or commitment. I should ignore the fear and do what is right.

*I want to always look pretty. Some days I just lie around and never get to putting on nice clothes. I should always wear nice clothes and look great.

*I want my own place. That it is my own is what is important. Also I have to have room for my snake and a computer. Room for photography and karate is a plus.

*I want a job. In childcare specifically. Or working with the mentally retarded. I don't need to get paid much, maybe I'll even start out working for free, to get a foot in there, so to speak.

*I want to do more and more charity and activism. I can't afford right now to donate any money, other than for [child I sponsor], which I can barely afford, but I want to do more in the future.

*I want more pets. I would love to have lots of animals, though I should only buy animals once in a while, so I don't buy more than I can handle.

*I want to always be a big part in the life of my little cousins. Also, in [little girl I know]'s life, even though she isn't technically my cousin, so to speak.

*I want to travel. I want to see different parts of Sweden and I would love to see other countries. Africa would be nice as well as Asia, though I'm not sure which countries in these beautiful continents.

*I want to keep on reading and learning about lots of things, perhaps even officially study, if I would ever have the energy and focus to do so.

*I want to keep on blogging, whether it's photos, lists, personal stories or fictional stories. I want to get my blog out there and get people commenting on it.

*Practice more witchcraft. Learn more and more about it and become a more active witch. Not be so afraid. Witchcraft is part of nature.

*Keep all my friends close to me. Not just [friend] and [other friend], my other friends too. I want to make sure they are always in my life.

*Actively log onto all my internet accounts and make sure my passwords, profiles, photos, layouts and such are updated and fresh.

*Teach and learn. If someone wants to learn from me: Teach them, if someone wants to teach me: Learn from them. This is always a good thing.

*Make sure that everyone knows what [abusive psychiatrist] has done. Make sure to change the medical journals so my name is cleared.

*Keep on having a close relationship to the pets that I have now, even the ones I will move away from and also the ones that I have sold.

*Fight for animal rights, even try to give them the same rights as humans. We were all born equal and should not be treated as anything else.

*Make sure to bring beautiful things into my life, beautiful art and such and not hold onto things that just don't fit my personality just because I might want to use it in the future, like clothes and jewelry.

*I would like to keep on singing and learn to do it better. Some people think I sing well, though I'm not sure I do. Anyway, I want to be able to sing well.

*I want to keep on making Flash games, preferably better ones than the ones I've already made, maybe make sure my graphics are improving and that the themes are interesting.

*Learn new skills. Maybe learn how to make traditional kisekae dolls for example. Maybe take up sewing clothes, which I haven't done in ages.

*Own traditional formal clothing from different cultures and times. Doesn't really even have to be formal, traditional peasants' clothes are fine, too.

*Actively try - And maybe endorse - New products from the internet or nice stores. There are websites where you can order lovely vegan cosmetics, for example!

*Keep on writing, both articles and stories. I can publish these on my blog or on various internet sites. I like to write about my opinions as well as fictional stories.

*Take an active part in karma and justice: It is important to cherish each innocent life as well as make sure no one gets away with treating others as shit.

*Keep my health and hygiene. Shower, brush my teeth, eat, work out every day. Karate is a good sport to make sure you are athletic.

*Live life my way, the honest way, the decent way, without following stupid made-up rules or traditions. It is more important to follow your heart and soul than to follow other people's expectations.

*Take care of all animals, children, handicapped and homeless in my life, whether or not they are my responsibility. If they are not my responsibility, then I cannot trust they are someone else's responsibility either.

*Keep my room and my environment clean and orderly. There is no reason to keep your things in a mess or to keep old crap lying around, that you will never need.

*Keep my computer clean and orderly. Make sure to get rid of old files I don't use and download the programs I like, so my computer is always useful and working as it should.

*Keep on working on my flexibility. I've been extremely flexible since I was a child and I shouldn't let it go to waste. Flexibility is awesome and happyfun.

*Try to be more and more independent. I already know that I can take care of myself, but sometimes I get so used to my parents taking care of me.

*Be helpful with my family. I know they are annoying and stupid sometimes, but I love them and they have been so good to me.

*Get rid of these dang warts I have covering my hands. They are ugly and I feel disgusting when I look at them. They are not good for modeling or even being seen in public places.

*Try to sleep at night and be up at day. Or at least if I'm up at night I should sleep at day. I get so messy in my brain when I sleep irregularly.

*Take a sign language class. If I am going to work with handicapable people in the future, sign language would definitely be good to know.

*I want to make sure every spot of my skin is perfect. Blemishes and even fine hairs show so much on photos. I should definitely try to make my skin better.

*Perhaps most importantly: Keep on putting all my focus on love and on peace and not dwell so much on what I fear or hate. If you feel fear and love at the same time, it's more important to follow the love than to avoid your fears!

Dusk Is Falling

I found this anonymous poem on the internet a while ago.

Someone hold me

Someone care

I'm crying out

But do you dare?

Because I push

You far away

And sit alone

Each wasted day.

Does it matter?

Should I die?

I can't beat this;

I can't try.

You don't get it;

Never will.

Don't you see?

I'm broken still.

Faded dreams

A game of darts

Don't try to fix

My tired heart.

And when I go,

Know I'll be free.

So please don't waste

Your tears on me.

As I said, I didn't write it, I don't know who did

Dreams

I have had many pleasant and unpleasant dreams in my days. Many were recurrent. I have had many nightmares about bad things happening to loved ones.

When I started thinking of possibly buying a new pet, when I had three cats, but not the snake yet, I started having nightmares about bad things happening to my future pets.

I would dream that I had fish and snakes and spiders and lizards and they would escape and try to eat each other and I would desperately ask my family to help, but they wouldn't care.

Since I bought the snake I have many times dreamt that my snake was sick, hurt, bit by another animal or escaped. In the dream I desperately plead to my parents for help, but they did nothing.

In real life my parents would do anything to save my pets, if something happened to them. I love my little darlings.

I remember another strange dream I had long ago. It was so strange. I really love children, I love to look after them, they are so lovely!

I dreamt that I was visiting... ...Oh, an orphanage, child hospital or something. In front of me sat a thin little girl, wearing a short dress, she was, oh, maybe three years old, had short curly black hair, black-brown skin and sat and looked kinda shy.

I sat down in front of her smiling at her and I lovingly touched the beautiful young skin on one of her legs, but I noticed it was so dry, that if my nails even slightly touched it, she got white stripes on her skin. That just made me hurt inside.

I looked up at her face and it was hollow, just a skull and skin.

Then I saw another little girl. Maybe she was about two years old. Anyway, this one wasn't so skinny like the other one, no, she was lively and playful. She had long dark brown curly hair and light brown skin and a huge smile on her face.

I played with her lots. Children often drool a bit or spit a bit and she was no exception. I didn't think much of it.

Then a grownup who worked with the children told me that that child was actually very very sick and contagious.

Such a strange dream that was. I still think of it sometimes.

My dreams, ehm, more like nightmares, well, what I dream at night in general, my dreams often contain death, despair, confusion, disappointment and other unpleasant things. I definitely prefer my real life.