2007, July 13. I was in the psychiatric clinic. I had been promised I would only stay there a few days and I would soon get help, but I had already been there three weeks and I was just getting worse and worse. The people working in the hospital were unprofessional and undependable.
I was just sick of it all! I ran in to my room. I felt like crap. Just didn't know what to do. I grabbed my furniture and just smashed them into the wall. Then I took a knife and cut holes in the wall. Then people came into my room and told me to stop. Give me the knife! No. Give me! OK, take it. I have another knife over there by the way, just take that one too.
I just sat there... They took the furniture from me... I wasn't allowed to smash the furniture... I had a screw... I wrote "EVIL" on the wall with it. They took that one from me as well. So, with nothing left to break, I just sat and hurt myself. My finger nails, they can't take away! Just scratch and scratch until the blood runs out.
After all the time of just feeling like total crap, not wanting to live, I was finally promised to get help. But instead I was just stored in the hospital. Just waiting and waiting. No help. Bad hospital staff. Didn't treat me well. Of course I got even more crazy. After a while of hurting myself I decided to just throw my food into the wall. Just felt like it. I hadda throw something.
Then after all the throwing things and people yelling at me, I just got so exhausted. I just lay down in my bed. Do you want a pill to calm you down? No. They were gonna go get a doctor they said. He asked me questions. I just lay there. Tried to answer in my exhaustion. Are you suicidal? No. Do you think you might hurt anyone? No. Well, what do you want? Nothing... Don't wanna be alive... Don't wanna die either. Do you want medication? No.
Then, lots of people came into my room. I started crawling into the corner of my bed saying no, don't give me electric shocks - like they did to the other girl - Why aren't my parents here? Leave me alone! They weren't at all gonna give me electric shocks they said. Just shots. They held me down.
Don't move now, the needles could break in you. I lay completely still. I got the first shot. The tranquilizer. I got the second shot. Cisordinol. After that. I was just lying down completely still. Couldn't move, really. Some pregnant nurse just sat and watched me. I asked her, how long 'til it goes out of me? It might take a while. She had a British accent.
I believe it was necessary to drug your daughter. She did have a choice. We asked her if she wanted a pill or a shot and she chose the shot. She did have a small over-dose, it was not intended. Well, the shots weren't meant to be that close to the spine, but it's difficult to give shots to someone who's just squirming and struggling all the time.
For two weeks I was completely drugged. People were kinda surprised that I would just speak English the first hours. So what? I'm bilingual. The pregnant nurse spoke English, so she didn't complain. She just had a British accent. It doesn't matter what accent she had. The first few hours. They were weird. The peanut butter was like cold tasteless gel. The slightly fruit-flavored bubble water was very fruit flavored. Strange.
People told me the tranquilizer would go out of my system after maybe a day or so. Phew. But then. Signe, you did get another drug as well. It will stay in you for two weeks. The thing making you numb, unable to walk, unable to move your hands, unable to hold things in your hands and so on, that's the drug you'll have in you for two weeks.
That actually wasn't a lie, for once. For two weeks I was completely drugged. A mild over-dose. Shots close to the spine. Symptoms. I couldn't walk well, couldn't hold things in my hand, I was constantly exhausted, but I couldn't sleep well, I didn't feel the difference between cold and warm, my fingers were constantly tingling, I wasn't good at standing up on my legs, my perfect eye-sight was suddenly blurry and I was all of a sudden dyslexic, couldn't easily read simple words. Did all I could to stay awake and conscious, take cold showers, take walks outdoors. Did it work? Absolutely not. I said. I want to go home. I don't want to be here another second. But you see. I wasn't allowed to leave. They legally had the right to keep me locked in.
Those two weeks of the over-dose were torture. I couldn't eat. My mother tried to feed me and I might be able to swallow a few bites if she tried hard to make me eat. I was in an in between-state of consciousness. Not awake, not asleep. I was afraid I would remain like that forever. I was afraid I would never see well again.
So, after two weeks the over-dose passed at least. And after staying in the clinic for two months and three weeks, I was finally released - Exactly two months after I was being drugged. So, I lived in the psychiatric clinic between June 22 and September 13.
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