Seriously. I am not contributing to any crap. What the fuck am I doing wrong? I just live my life. Tryina recover from my mental illness. Doing all I can to help those I love. And, yes, I try to stop the evil in the world! But seriously, I can't fix all that's wrong! Yeah, I do good things, I give money to homeless folks, I'm a passionate anti-racist, I'm a vegan, I'm open-minded, but seriously, I can't do everything!
One thing I can't do anything about is free will. Yeah, according to the religious folks, God can't even do anything about free will, some people though, they believe in forcing people to do as they want. That's wrong. Sure, some people are shallow, racist, mean and don't take any responsibility to stop the wrongs in the world, but I can't do anything about that, because people are allowed to be who they are without being punished!
I do believe shallow mean people are a wrong in the world. One of those evils you can't fight. Sure, I can give money to homeless folks and take care of animals, but I can't erase all the idiots and all the abusive people. Hopefully, I could at least keep them away from me and other innocent people if I find them. But I can't be expected to force people to become nice or deep. That's their own fucking problem.
I'm a rich white kid, that's right, a real little princess I am, I sit at home in front of my computer each day, my parents cook for me and pay the rent, so I can put all my money on PVC clothes and gothic comics if I so like. I do, however, not put all my money on that. Lots of money, but not all.
Also, I am not a shallow or lazy person. Don't be prejudiced. All little rich white princesses ain't stupid. When I was an infant, everything was fine, really, nobody saw any signs of autism back then and I hadn't developed any anxiety disorders either. It was more as a toddler, people began noticing I was sort of unusual, really.
Anyway, already as a young child, I had to struggle lots with anxiety and emotional abuse and injustice. My teen years were bad. I'm still a teen. Whoa, fuck, my mental illness has been bad throughout my teens. Now I am OK. Out of the psych clinic, got some lovely little animals, lovely little cousins, lovely "little" friends.
Anyway, back to the rich white princess thing, I have plenty of lovely stuff you'd think people don't need and my parents do simple everyday things for me, like cooking and making my bed. However, though. That doesn't mean I am happy. I feel very empty. I just try to be close to the people I love. Help them with life. Recover from my mental illness. Spend lots of time with animals and children. What the fuck's wrong?
It's the social stuff I guess. People are just too boring. Or too ugly - On the inside, I don't care about looks -. Or too ordinary. Yuck. Anyway. I'm not gonna sink myself down to the level of randomly dating or fucking people. I have found a few people in this world that are truly beautiful to me and I don't need any other friends! And as for people -or person- I might be interested in as more than friends, that's not your business, yeah, I am open about everything, but some things are private!
It really is lonely here. I have my snake and my cats. I love them. All of my friends are in other countries. They all live in other countries. I ain't met any of them in real life. I can't connect with people. And it seems the things I want the most aren't available for me. No. Either I'm not good enough or someone complains or whatever.
I really don't like my family. They can be really judgmental and idiotic sometimes. I really hate my sister. She doesn't like spiders. I just can't tolerate that kinda attitude. Not like spiders? I love spiders! They are amazing! I really can't forgive people who did things to me just out of cruelty. Yeah, being afraid of spiders ain't intended cruelty, but some people are just such garbage!
When I was... Oh, maybe eleven. We were gonna have a cabaret of lots of little sketches in my class. Oh, well, that is how we would say it in Sweden, cabaret, sketches, in other words, short theatre performances after each other. Me and some other people were in a group and we were supposed to come up with a sketch to do and some of those other people didn't like me.
Anyway, it was my assignment to write down our work in the computer and print it out. But then when I had already been assigned that, later, another girl said she wanted to. She suggested we print out half each. I told her that's just messy, two people printing out each half of a script? From different computers on different streets? I had already gotten the assignment, so I thought it would be better if she had her own assignment instead, splitting one assignment in two like that surely is inefficient and messy!
So, the next day I had the scripts properly and perfectly written down in computer print and printed out perfectly, of course. Then, the day after that, I saw that one of the girls came to school with completely different scripts that they handed out to everyone but me. I waited them out to see what they would do.
At the rehearsal, I was just waiting to see what was gonna happen. Of course, not unexpected, when they were supposed to introduce my character, they just skipped me and introduced someone else instead. There it was. The thing I waited for. I barely hurt the girl who obviously planned it.
The teachers, they barely reacted, "Oh, I'm sure they didn't mean to forget about your character, it was probably just a mistake." Yeah, right. That was a very silly little mini-play by eleven year olds, but either way, you don't do that to someone. You just don't. Even if you're eleven. Also, I am still pissed at the teachers for not punishing those kids.
Yeah, I was bullied lots in my childhood and more and more I started believing in punishing children. Because, seriously, if you just calmly tell them to stop once in a while, that doesn't work, they have to be severely punished so they will learn to stop picking on the other students!
I don't believe in punishment anymore. I believe in kind and forgiving education and helping. However. If someone just brutally insults or defames another person, without remorse, they should be clearly shown that it is WRONG and if it will ever happen again, they will get strictly punished indeed!
Let me just say, I am not positive towards electric shocks for children or animals. I love children and animals so so much. I just gotta tell you about this theory I had when I was maybe twelve. Well, I had seen on TV, that monkeys could be trained by getting a small amount of electricity whenever they did wrong.
I told my mother, you should do that to school children as well. Whenever they bully their fellow students, they should get a sudden electric shock, so they learn to stop being bad. My mother got a bit upset by this I believe. Anyway. Yeah, I don't think children would learn from electric shocks. But then on the other hand, my mother wasn't the one who had to be bullied and taunted everyday in school. So I don't feel guilty for what I said, even though I have changed my opinion now.
Children should be treated with love and respect. However, children who are cruel to other children should probably be taught a bit more strictly, that it is not OK. They just can't be allowed to bully other kids. Of course, I've been libeled and abused lots recently too. Well, well. I better stop rambling before my blog entry gets too long!
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